The hurt and pain are felt by both people involved, but if your ex regrets what happened, they might be looking to get a reaction out of you. He then believes that if you simply were to do the right things then he would get what he wants. This is fine isnt good enough when it comes to relationships, IMO. I dont need you to be my therapist, dude, I need you to be my lover and my supporter and my friend. Stating your boundaries might just bring his own discomfort into the open. That is some high-level head games. No one wants to treat someone they love that way, it just slips out when you stop viewing them in that light. Theres also the fact that you are depressed, at least for now (although congrats on making what sounds like a lot of progress toward improvement). I only do that in ways that SHE has approved, and that weve mutually decided would be comfortable and appropriate for me to do. That is exactly the right way to help, I think. Its hard not to get triggered into weirdly competitive, self-hating behavior patterns that have to do with weight/appearance. Essentially, he supported me equally on good days and bad days. What is it that he doesnt like anymore and related to your relationship together? While you sort out how you feel about continuing in the relationship, my suggested script for when your boyfriend starts telling you what to do or expressing his disappointment in you is I dont like it when you act like my Life Coach, please stop telling me what I should eat/do/how I should exercise, and/or From now on, I dont want you to tell me how to change or improve myself, at all. Be blunt and say the things that are on the tip of your tongue: No. It doesnt matter what a partner is interested in controlling, your food intake, your hairstyle, how much work you do, how much sleep you get; when theyre trying to control you and cannot seem to be redirected, it is time to take the advice of the Doctor. Good luck LW, and I hope you get to see how much better life can be when someone isnt actively holding back your awesomeness. If you broke up and had to move out of your shared place, where would you go? Sometimes a guy will stop making an effort because he feels insecure or dealing with issues in his personal, work, or family life. Weve worked hard to become partners in his health and Ive definitely made some missteps along the way. Wanting to stay in your relationship is one thing, needing to stay in a relationship that actively undermines your sense of self because of housing or economics or fear of the unknown is another. When someone we know cheated on a beloved partner, he had trouble wrapping his head around why someone would possibly do that. My husband is very *actually* logical and reasonable. Getting up in my business, ever, unless it is shared business (Did you pay that bill?) or I have specifically asked him to (and I quit doing this b/c he doesnt really like it, its one more damn thing on his to-do list basically.) So every time he drove me to a surprise, which slowly morphed into _every fucking date_, I had all this tension and stress. He had a car and I didnt, and I didnt live near public transportation. Thank you your reading of his intent is, I think, spot-on! I watched my parents relationship work this dynamic for years. In other cases, especially if LW and boyfriend are living together or otherwise sharing their lives, LWs actions may affect the boyfriend, and this question would hopefully help him express his needs directly, rather than trying to micromanage LW. Thanks for this post, Captain and LW. You deserve to be with someone who shows you respect who likes you the way you are, who isnt always trying to fix you and who listens when you ask him to stop certain behaviours rather than telling you your request is ridiculous. Someone struggling is not an automatic invitation to step in and run their lives for them. Now I think to some extent I was partly in therapy to get ready to leave him. But this is what worried me most when I read your letter. It also reads a bit like hes trying to control her looks as opposed to her happiness, though again, my vision may be a bit skewed here. I feel like the most charitable view of your boyfriend is maybe someone who doesnt understand depression very well (though who knows, he may even have had first hand experience but its a mental illness that everyone experiences vastly differently) and has absorbed all the messages of exercise releases serotonin and Good Hormones so it is the Natural Cure! Every single opportunity he gets, a controlling boyfriend will try to make you feel guilty for not toeing his line. Its a very belittling thing to say. He will always be someone who has a history of serious self harm, who has anxiety and gets very low mood crashes. Go on a hike and pack a picnic. We sat side by side on the couch, and he told my therapist how much he loved me, how much he wanted to help me, and how much it hurt him to see me suffering. It's no secret that men aren't eager to discuss feelings. These are some questions many women ask themselves when they find themselves in this situation. It can be hard to wait through the change. He asked why I was doing that and I said: Im afraid youll feel not depressed and Ill miss it! He startled me by laughing and assured me that when he wasnt feeling depressed that Id know it. The first few times you resist his help, I think he is going to release the Logick Kraken, who will logically and patiently recount all of the ways that you could be better if you only tried harder. He wanted to call the shots. As usual, the Captain gives excellent, clear scripts. He used to love spending time with you and he always had a smile on his face when the two of you were together. Thats why Ive always resisted the exercising with a boyfriend thing. May 18, 2020 by Emily Cappiello. When your boyfriend just slithers away leaving you completely confused and broken hearted, it adds to the suffering. I like it on toasted cinnamon-raisin bread. But when theres anger, that flips the whole dynamic on its head. Don't ever try to stop them, you need for them to realise they need to stop or cut back. Youve clearly already worked out some helpful things. Or bringing you vegetable soup when youre too depressed to cook? The LW stops loving him Let him know youre concerned and explain why. I was overwhelmed with adoration and new hope. Your boyfriends suggestions dont sound like the ones I would give to someone struggling with depression. Id make it simpler still: I could write something very similar, except were only at 20 years. You know that already because you are experiencing it first hand. Even if you end up staying, youll be on much better footing if you know youre not bound there by circumstance. I hope so. I told him that, he asked me what he should do instead, and I couldnt answer him. Back in the dim times, when I was young and dewy and dinosaurs still roamed the planet, and I was married to my starter husband, I was unhappy with our relationship. Thank you for getting me out of the house!. Dating you is a privilege you get to grant people, not a burden someone is doing you the favour of shouldering. ! and but Ive been running for 40 minutes 3-5 times a week for months and I dont feel *any* better (in fact, in many ways I feel *worse*), what is WRONG with me? Maybe BF wants to push you because he thinks your mental health just requires external pushing. That looks like progress to me. He never seemed to understand that these personality traits conflictedor at least, they conflicted in me, for us. Neither one is going to work. Accepting you means accepting that. He blocks me and ignores me. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. Similarly, with the do more cleaning thing theres plenty of plausible deniability, because living with someone who doesnt pick up after themselves sucks. Hell yes! I feel so much better and so much stronger. Theyre frustrated with an inability to help, but love & respect their partner. You are doing FINE. But I really appreciate CAs gentleness to LW about that. This is a good question for a conversation with your boyfriend if indeed thats what has been going on! (Of course, theyre the first ones to ask Well why didnt she leave? Its hard to cuddle with someone you just arent connected to. They threaten to break up with you all the time. It was easier for him to say eat soup, no not that soup, get more cardio than say I was really scared when you got so depressed you couldnt get out of bed. It could be as simple as saying to him, I noticed you've been distant recently, is there something bothering you? Maybe you can get into the routine of attending a kickboxing or yoga class twice a week together. One of the best dates I ever went on was to a cheap jazz concert in my neighborhood; we danced the night away and ended up as great friends. Boyfriend stopped texting me good morning. . What would be his next project if you suddenly started following all his rules precisely? He is allowed to disagree with you and to hold a different view, but to shut down your view like that is a red flag. TL;DR: I hope you have good progress with your healing, and that either your boyfriend learns to be less of a jerk stat, or that youre in a position to be able to move on/out without him, because you deserve so much more support and respect. If you need something short and sweet to say to your BF to stop the mansplaining, and to allow a moment for your brain to get into gear, try this: Thus: Note, however, these are reasons, not excuses. Hi all, My boyfriend and I have been going out now little over 2yrs, we've had our ups and downs but through it all we've stuck together but the last few months he has focused all his attention and efforts into his car and job, and I've no problem with it as long as he can still make a bit time for me even if its jus a call in the eveing or a text like I fully support him with everything . Im struggling to find good ways to respond to my boyfriend when he tells me what I should or need to be doing. It sounds terrible. After that I dated someone briefly who dismissed everything thing I pointed to as evidence of our vast incompatibility with the shibboleth that relationships take work! Yes, they do take tending and attention, but working on our relationship isnt going to fix things like your habit of borrowing money from me and never paying it back or getting angry when I need time alone. That you are so incredibly lucky and your boyfriend is a saint for dating you and youre an idiot it you let him go. Most men and women are very different, and relating to someone who is very different from you takes patience. Earlier in your relationship, your partner was always interested in finding out things about you, from your goals and dreams, to your likes and dislikes, and even how your day was. It says hes putting himself and his comfort ahead of your joint comfort together, and also your personal comfort and enjoyment of your own life. 5. Thank you so much. Can you talk with your therapist about what options are there for you and work with them to make a plan? If you havent seen your friends in a while, call them/message them and schedule a hangout. I dont know if your boyfriend will ever accept that your moods are part of the package but there will be someone who will. And sometimes the answer is I cant. Dont communicate with him except through text/email (if you feel it will be less intense than talking on the phone or in person) or calling each other constantly throughout the day when there are only going to be more fights about who called first and why so much time has passed without either of you initiating contact. And when youve told him that hes being unhelpful, and hes told you its the stupidest thing Ive ever heard that you might have your own thoughts on your health and what you need That is him being a jerk to you. This a) allows me to see places that I normally wouldnt be able to get to (much of Europe and North America, selected bits of South America, Asia, Australia), b) floods the brain weasels with new impressions without having to get out of the house (and the more impressions I stuff my brain with, the less it falls into the same old ruts), and c) it completely turns the I have to sit on a stationary bike and stare at a wall for twenty minutes around on its head: its now a case of I can explore [cool place] for twenty minutes at my own pace without much effort and Im quite often annoyed when I have to stop. I appreciate that you care about me, but Im good, so lets change the topic.. My partner of 3 1/2 years has depression and anxiety, and sometimes I act as her monitor/coach/support person in some ways. Too many arguments lead up to less making an effort. Thats such an underhand control technique, as is the not-so-subtle belittling that happens in the guise of help.. You Police Their Food Or Body. Something that I tried with my own Helper from several years ago I took him with me to a therapist appointment. Openly and blatantly. Ugh, replying to myself. It doesnt sound like you two ever consensually negotiated a relationship with unequal roles and a power imbalance, nor does it sound like what you want. What good is texting someone if youre not really building any kind of connection with them or meeting up in person to have real conversations about something other than how their day was or what they had for lunch? My supporter and my friend and work with them to make a plan him go public.... Be his next project if you suddenly started following all his rules precisely thinks your mental health requires. Attending a kickboxing or yoga class twice a week together step in and their. Feeling depressed that Id know it good question for a conversation with your boyfriend is a privilege get... 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